My Own Personalized Polygraph

I’ve been thinking that perhaps it’s time to hire a personal assistant; someone to help with the many, many challenging tasks that make up my busy days as a writer and filmmaker. But, as we have all learned recently about Halifax's hiring policies, one can never be too careful when it comes to taking on a new employee. With these exemplary hiring practices in mind, I have devised my own list of polygraph / ”integrity interview” questions, sure to weed out the morally ambiguous and those who might turn out to be a bad “fit” for me and my company. Just strap all those wires around yourself and relax. Here we go:

If you write a personal reminder to take your empty lunch container home on an office sticky note, is that stealing from the corporation? Have you ever done this? Did you replace the sticky note the following day? What about the ink? Please answer with a simple yes or no.

I’ve assigned you the task of watching the HRM council meeting on TV and taking notes about anything interesting that happens. Are you a) shocked by the mind-numbingly slow pace of the meeting, b) shocked by the mind-numbingly mundane subjects under discussion, or c) shocked that any employer would be cruel enough to assign this task?

Describe yourself in three words. Do not use the words “intelligent,” “capable,” or “skilled,” but impress me anyway.

If you were a character on The Office, who would you be? The competitive and sycophantic Dwight Schrute, or the uptight and fastidious Angela Martin? Does your character choice reflect your real-life experience with sticky-note theft?

Do you believe that toilet paper should dispense from the top of the roll or the bottom? (Because I am convinced that this reflects much more about one’s larger philosophy of life, employment will be dependent upon the correct answer to this question. Also, roll-changing will definitely fall under your job description.)

If you could have any superpower, what would you choose? (Please note: x-ray vision / ability to see through peoples’ clothes is already taken.) Would your superpower enable you to acquire double-shot, non-fat, medium-wet cappuccinos on a moment’s notice?

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? Supplementary question: If you choose “maple,” will there be a plastic bag fluttering in your highest branches, a full year after it has originally entangled itself there?

What is the capital of the country of Africa? (Bonus points and an appearance on Larry King for the correct answer.)

Your iPod only has space for one more song. Which of the following do you choose:
- “Sound of Success” by Jenn Grant
- “I Make the Dough, You Get the Glory” by Kathleen Edwards
- “Nowhere Fast” by Mary J. Blige
- “Temporary Hell” by Christina Martin or
- “Let Your Loss Be Your Lesson” by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss?

And finally: you decide to make the 230 km trip to Digby in your new Porsche, traveling at 80 km/hour. You make the return trip at a rate of 50 km/hour. What was your average speed for the entire trip? Follow-up questions: Why would you drive a Porsche at such crazy low speeds, and how can you afford a new Porsche on the salary I’m offering? I think we need to have a little chat about where you’re finding this extra cash. Re-selling company sticky notes?