That was one of my all-time favourite buy-and-sell ads. First of all, who would go to the trouble of listing a single stuffed toy? And if they’re going to go to all that trouble, could they maybe be a little more descriptive? And who in heaven’s name would think, “Yeah, I should call them up and go have a look at that...”?
Sometimes I read the buy-and-sells purely for their comedy value. The hilarity tends to fall into in some very specific categories. Check out this selection of actual listings, mostly from this week’s Bargain Hunter.
Our first theme: Something Spells Bad.
- Approved building lot, driveway and colbert [sic] installed. (I think they mean a “culvert,” not a late-night comedian.)
- Set of Wall Scones [sic], asking $100. (Not sure how they taste after they’ve been hanging on the wall like that, but OK...)
- Accomadations [sic] Wanted. For Professor who spends evenings working in her office. Family or person with spare foom [sic] would be ideal. (Hopefully she’s not an English professor.)- For Sale: Brown Leather Coach [sic]. (Perhaps he’s spent too much time in the sun with the team.)
- Good Working Fridge. Woks [sic] Great. (Well, which is it? Does it wok good, or does it wok great?)
- Wanted to Buy Two Used Kayakis [sic]. (I think a “Kayaki” is a sort of brownish-green-colored kayak.)
- George Foreman Roasting Grille [sic]. (After you make dinner, you attach it to the front of your Cadillac.)
- Room in Quite [sic] Non Smoking Scent Free House. (Like we said, it’s a fairly non-smoking scent-free house.)
- Duplex for Rent – 8 mins walk to Supper [sic] Store. (Well, that is what you’re probably going to buy there.)
- Wanted: Border [sic] to Share Lakehouse. (New Brunswick or Maine borders welcome to apply.)
- Johnny Cash CD – “House of Cash” with 24 songs by Johnny accompanied by he’s [sic] guitar. Its [sic] a collectors [sic] item. (Where to start? Well, for one thing, I wonder how “he’s” guitar enjoyed accompanying him?)
- Valley Bull Dog 2 yrs old. Spaded [sic]. (No doubt it hurt when they whacked that poor dog with the shovel.)
This was under “Rentals”. It was also listed under “Wanted”:- 45 Yr. Plus Female Professional, excellent references. (She actually did go on to say she was looking for a place to live. But her opening line kind of threw me.)
And I can only classify these ones as “Huh…?”:
- Roommate Wanted: Prefer a Female or Male. (But OK with anything else, I guess.)
- 2000 Johnson 3 cyl, 35 HP long shaft for parts. (This fellow is selling his long-shaft Johnson. He could get arrested for that, couldn’t he?)
- Kitchen Table, 4 chairs, 1 broken. (Wouldn’t that be “Kitchen Table, 3 chairs”?)
- 2.5 HP Treadmill, used very little, selling for health reasons. (Yeah, once they get rid of that guilt-inducing, unused treadmill, they’ll feel a lot healthier.)
- Wanted: Anything that Anyone wants to Give Away for Free. (Dude, have I got a basement full of crap for you.)
- New Futon Like New 8 Months Old. (Which is it - “New,” “Like New,” or “8 Months Old”?)
- Oxygen Making Machine. (Don’t we usually call these “trees”?)
- I would like some big cheap rabbit cages, free if possible. (And fast! For some reason I keep needing more…)
- Want to purchase old or damaged aluminum boat. (Floating apparently not a requirement.)
- Pellet Gun – will trade for any kind of real gun or something else of value. (My guess is that giving this guy “any kind of real gun” would be a mistake.)
- Wanted: Low priced handguns. (See above.)
Okay, and just one more category: the Department of Colorful Redundancy Department.
- Large Snow Scoop. Blue in color. (As opposed to Blue in shape.)
- New London Fog Jacket, Brown in color. (As opposed to Brown in smell.)
- Recliner Chair new condition. Pink in color. (I think you get my drift.)
- Oval Hardwood Table and Chairs, Honey Maple in color. (Well, that one actually could have been a flavour.)
Okay, one final listing, along with a word of advice.
- For sale: One diaper pail, $5.
Personally, I think this is one item that might be worth buying new.
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