The grammar cop in me

Perhaps I, of all people, really have no right to position myself as any kind of “grammar cop,” especially given that my writing style could best be described as “chatty casual” or perhaps, “purposely plebian.”

Still, a few irritating words keep cropping up repeatedly on the local TV news, and they are really starting to get under my skin. (The words, not the news people. See how imperfect my command of English is, already?)

First of all, I’ve been following, with a certain amount of sadness and more than a bit of outrage, the inquiry into the death of Howard Hyde, the mentally ill man who died while in police custody after being repeatedly jolted with a Taser.

I’m not insensitive to the gravity of that case. But allow me to be superficial and point out that there’s something annoying about the coverage. Night after night, I keep hearing reporters refer to the fact that Mr. Hyde was repeatedly ‘tased.’

Here’s the thing. The noun “Taser” began as an acronym. According to the company’s website, the product’s inventor was supposedly a fan of a book called “Tom Swift and his Electric Rifle” and therefore, rather ridiculously in my opinion, chose to create the acronym “TASER” to name his invention. First of all, shouldn’t the name have become “TSAHER” if that story is even remotely true?

But besides that, my feeling is that it makes no sense to “verbify” the word, as if to say that a Taser is a “doer of tasing.” Unfortunately, that doofus who interrupted John Kerry’s speech a couple of years ago screamed “Don’t tase me, bro!” in such a hilariously melodramatic way that we were all forced to watch it repeatedly on YouTube. So really, I blame him for the ubiquitousness of the verb “tase” now.

Regrettably, there’s no clear right or wrong here. Canadian Press style appears to come down on the side of “Tasered.” But my online go-to grammar guru, Grammar Girl, actually comes down on the side of “tase.” We both think the parallel argument is the use of the word “laser,” (since it was originally an acronym as well) but both she and the Oxford English dictionary suggest it’s OK to use the verb “lase,” and I would argue that I would never go out and get my eyes “lased.”

I guess my other beef about the “Taser” thing is that there’s just no consistency. The same reporter will say “tased” and “Tasered” in the same report, seconds apart. Shouldn’t a reporter be obliged to at least pick one?

Ok, moving on...

I’ve also noticed an awful lot of TV news stories lately on the topic of “infastructure” (sic). I guess that’s like “infrastructure,” but maybe it’s for babies. Those little infants obviously do need their own roads, schools and prisons. Definitely, prisons. I mean, some of those babies are just so bad.

And my other little grammatical gripe is not for reporters, but for people who like to post comments about the news online. If you, dear poster, are suggesting that something just wasn’t done right, the phrase is “could have” or “would have” or “should have,” which can be shortened to “should’ve,” etc. Not “should of.” Not “could of.” Not “would of.”

It’s worth paying attention to, because if our infastructure included real grammar police, you might of got tased for that, bro.

Tales from the Bargain Hunter

“For sale – One stuffed Bear. $7. Must See.”

That was one of my all-time favourite buy-and-sell ads. First of all, who would go to the trouble of listing a single stuffed toy? And if they’re going to go to all that trouble, could they maybe be a little more descriptive? And who in heaven’s name would think, “Yeah, I should call them up and go have a look at that...”?

Sometimes I read the buy-and-sells purely for their comedy value. The hilarity tends to fall into in some very specific categories. Check out this selection of actual listings, mostly from this week’s Bargain Hunter.

Our first theme: Something Spells Bad.

- Approved building lot, driveway and colbert [sic] installed. (I think they mean a “culvert,” not a late-night comedian.)
- Set of Wall Scones [sic], asking $100. (Not sure how they taste after they’ve been hanging on the wall like that, but OK...)
- Accomadations [sic] Wanted. For Professor who spends evenings working in her office. Family or person with spare foom [sic] would be ideal. (Hopefully she’s not an English professor.)
- For Sale: Brown Leather Coach [sic]. (Perhaps he’s spent too much time in the sun with the team.)
- Good Working Fridge. Woks [sic] Great. (Well, which is it? Does it wok good, or does it wok great?)
- Wanted to Buy Two Used Kayakis [sic]. (I think a “Kayaki” is a sort of brownish-green-colored kayak.)
- George Foreman Roasting Grille [sic]. (After you make dinner, you attach it to the front of your Cadillac.)
- Room in Quite [sic] Non Smoking Scent Free House. (Like we said, it’s a fairly non-smoking scent-free house.)
- Duplex for Rent – 8 mins walk to Supper [sic] Store. (Well, that is what you’re probably going to buy there.)
- Wanted: Border [sic] to Share Lakehouse. (New Brunswick or Maine borders welcome to apply.)
- Johnny Cash CD – “House of Cash” with 24 songs by Johnny accompanied by he’s [sic] guitar. Its [sic] a collectors [sic] item. (Where to start? Well, for one thing, I wonder how “he’s” guitar enjoyed accompanying him?)
- Valley Bull Dog 2 yrs old. Spaded [sic]. (No doubt it hurt when they whacked that poor dog with the shovel.)

This was under “Rentals”. It was also listed under “Wanted”:

- 45 Yr. Plus Female Professional, excellent references. (She actually did go on to say she was looking for a place to live. But her opening line kind of threw me.)

And I can only classify these ones as “Huh…?”:

- Roommate Wanted: Prefer a Female or Male. (But OK with anything else, I guess.)
- 2000 Johnson 3 cyl, 35 HP long shaft for parts. (This fellow is selling his long-shaft Johnson. He could get arrested for that, couldn’t he?)
- Kitchen Table, 4 chairs, 1 broken. (Wouldn’t that be “Kitchen Table, 3 chairs”?)
- 2.5 HP Treadmill, used very little, selling for health reasons. (Yeah, once they get rid of that guilt-inducing, unused treadmill, they’ll feel a lot healthier.)
- Wanted: Anything that Anyone wants to Give Away for Free. (Dude, have I got a basement full of crap for you.)
- New Futon Like New 8 Months Old. (Which is it - “New,” “Like New,” or “8 Months Old”?)
- Oxygen Making Machine. (Don’t we usually call these “trees”?)
- I would like some big cheap rabbit cages, free if possible. (And fast! For some reason I keep needing more…)
- Want to purchase old or damaged aluminum boat. (Floating apparently not a requirement.)
- Pellet Gun – will trade for any kind of real gun or something else of value. (My guess is that giving this guy “any kind of real gun” would be a mistake.)
- Wanted: Low priced handguns. (See above.)

Okay, and just one more category: the Department of Colorful Redundancy Department.

- Large Snow Scoop. Blue in color. (As opposed to Blue in shape.)
- New London Fog Jacket, Brown in color. (As opposed to Brown in smell.)
- Recliner Chair new condition. Pink in color. (I think you get my drift.)
- Oval Hardwood Table and Chairs, Honey Maple in color. (Well, that one actually could have been a flavour.)

Okay, one final listing, along with a word of advice.

- For sale: One diaper pail, $5.

Personally, I think this is one item that might be worth buying new.