The grammar cop in me

Perhaps I, of all people, really have no right to position myself as any kind of “grammar cop,” especially given that my writing style could best be described as “chatty casual” or perhaps, “purposely plebian.”

Still, a few irritating words keep cropping up repeatedly on the local TV news, and they are really starting to get under my skin. (The words, not the news people. See how imperfect my command of English is, already?)

First of all, I’ve been following, with a certain amount of sadness and more than a bit of outrage, the inquiry into the death of Howard Hyde, the mentally ill man who died while in police custody after being repeatedly jolted with a Taser.

I’m not insensitive to the gravity of that case. But allow me to be superficial and point out that there’s something annoying about the coverage. Night after night, I keep hearing reporters refer to the fact that Mr. Hyde was repeatedly ‘tased.’

Here’s the thing. The noun “Taser” began as an acronym. According to the company’s website, the product’s inventor was supposedly a fan of a book called “Tom Swift and his Electric Rifle” and therefore, rather ridiculously in my opinion, chose to create the acronym “TASER” to name his invention. First of all, shouldn’t the name have become “TSAHER” if that story is even remotely true?

But besides that, my feeling is that it makes no sense to “verbify” the word, as if to say that a Taser is a “doer of tasing.” Unfortunately, that doofus who interrupted John Kerry’s speech a couple of years ago screamed “Don’t tase me, bro!” in such a hilariously melodramatic way that we were all forced to watch it repeatedly on YouTube. So really, I blame him for the ubiquitousness of the verb “tase” now.

Regrettably, there’s no clear right or wrong here. Canadian Press style appears to come down on the side of “Tasered.” But my online go-to grammar guru, Grammar Girl, actually comes down on the side of “tase.” We both think the parallel argument is the use of the word “laser,” (since it was originally an acronym as well) but both she and the Oxford English dictionary suggest it’s OK to use the verb “lase,” and I would argue that I would never go out and get my eyes “lased.”

I guess my other beef about the “Taser” thing is that there’s just no consistency. The same reporter will say “tased” and “Tasered” in the same report, seconds apart. Shouldn’t a reporter be obliged to at least pick one?

Ok, moving on...

I’ve also noticed an awful lot of TV news stories lately on the topic of “infastructure” (sic). I guess that’s like “infrastructure,” but maybe it’s for babies. Those little infants obviously do need their own roads, schools and prisons. Definitely, prisons. I mean, some of those babies are just so bad.

And my other little grammatical gripe is not for reporters, but for people who like to post comments about the news online. If you, dear poster, are suggesting that something just wasn’t done right, the phrase is “could have” or “would have” or “should have,” which can be shortened to “should’ve,” etc. Not “should of.” Not “could of.” Not “would of.”

It’s worth paying attention to, because if our infastructure included real grammar police, you might of got tased for that, bro.

Scrubcheeking. You Heard It Here First.

You, my dear readers, are nothing if not constantly poised on the cutting edge of whatever fad is currently pinging around cyberspace. So I was pretty sure you’d be interested in this as soon as I saw the headline: “Be a rock star. Try sleevefacing.”

The so-called “social networking trend” that is “sleevefacing” involves “one or more persons obscuring or augmenting any part of their body or bodies with record sleeve(s) causing an illusion.” That’s according to sleeveface.com. I’d define it a bit more precisely as “one or more stoned dudes hold album covers over their faces and find it hilarious.” Quick, get the camera.

Anyway, what I find so confounding about “sleevefacing” is that it’s simply someone’s privately goofy behaviour that’s been assigned a name – and has thus evolved into a website and a Facebook page with a few thousand members. And perhaps as importantly, one of the wire services has written a story about it, which has been picked up by newspapers, and bingo – it’s now a “phenomenon.” I have a name and a Facebook page, therefore I am.

So I guess in order to create a phenomenon, all you need to do is coin a term that represents your phenomenon - preferably a compound word that may or may not involve a pun. Like this one I read recently:

“Relax at home,” said the newspaper headline. “Enjoy your staycation.” A “staycation” would be, of course, a vacation where you stay at home. Get it? And it rhymes. Which makes it even more etymologically fabulous.

I can play this game. I see myself starting trendy behaviours which will catch on like wildfire. My verbal gymnastics will catapult me into cult-like status among fad-watchers and fashionistas.

Here’s how it will go down. First, every morning, likeminded thinkers will rise, and, as I do, start their day with a little bit of “spewsponging.” (I have a cat that hasn’t been feeling well lately, so there are usually a few puked-up surprises on the living room rug when I get up in the morning.) No longer will barf cleanup be a disgusting chore. Once it has a catchy name, it will be in vogue!

Next, we’ll make coffee and spend a few minutes “slurpcupping” before we hop in the shower for some “scrubcheeking.”

If we decide not to step onto the bathroom scales today, we will take a “weighcation.” If we take the day off for a religious holiday, we will call it a “praycation.” A little extramarital dalliance on the side will be referred to as a “straycation.” Or perhaps a “betraycation.” And skipping dance class will become a “swaycation.”

Grocery shopping will never be as dreary again, once we discover how cool it is to go “stocknoshing.” And if we need a little more retail therapy, perhaps we can head over to the mall for some “spendlaxing.” How hip are we?

The once-dull task of vacuuming the dog hair from the living room rug will take on the panache of the newly-christened activity known as “suckfurring.” This phenomenon might even have spin-off trends such as “shampooching” and “brushbitching.”

Okay, we’ve created the language – now let’s get out there and start using it! We’ll put this blog on the map as a hotbed of verbal trendification. Don’t forget to post pictures of yourself doing all these activities on Facebook. I’m off to set up the “scrubcheeking” page right now.