All the flyers in my newspaper this week are decorated in garish pinks and reds, and overflowing with heart motifs, which can only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is fast approaching.
Even though I think of it as one of those made-up “Hallmark Holidays,” the History Channel’s website tells me there’s actually a long history of celebrating St. Valentine’s Day, with various legends contending for historical credibility – some dating back as far as ancient Rome.
I’m guessing there probably weren’t as many newspaper advertising supplements offering hints on what to pick up to “enhance the romance” back during the Roman Empire. But today – no worries. Can’t decide what qualifies as a romantic gift? These retailers have lots of ideas.
The first thing you’ll probably want to pick up for your sweetheart is a 12” Singing Animated Gorilla. This circular doesn’t say what he sings, but he IS holding a rose, and he has, like, red fur. Hot!How about a three-piece set of cosmetic bags? “Here, honey. I know you practically need a duffle bag to carry around all that makeup you wear – which, by the way, did I mention makes you look totally awesome? – so I thought maybe you could use… three bags? With red hearts on them, of course. Love ya.”
Of course there’s chocolate galore. Chocolate hearts, chocolate balls, chocolate kisses. (Did you know that 77 percent of adults buy chocolates as their preferred Valentine’s Day gift? The librarians at the University of Western Ontario just taught me this.) It surely follows, as this ad indicates, that the gift of a plain old packet of Maltesers will qualify as a heartfelt expression of one’s true love. On sale, just $2.77.
The next Valentine’s insert has more plush toys – monkeys on a motorcycle! A puppy playing the electric guitar! Plus perfume, candles …and laptops. You know, laptops of love. “With a dual core processor and one gig of RAM. Get it, honey?”
Underwear is obviously big. I mean, not big underwear. Well, apparently any underwear in pink and red. But black for The Man. Because The Man does not do pink. Not in the underwear ads in these particular flyers, anyway.
Oh, here’s some Valentine’s Tylenol. Handy, in case you want one of those “Get out of Valentine’s Day free” cards. “Sorry, Dear, I’ll just take one of these romantic analgesics and hit the hay! Maybe I just had too many Maltesers.”
There’s a Valentine’s printer; that will go well with the Valentine’s laptop. And here’s some Valentine’s toilet paper! I can’t think of a single thing to say about that that isn’t some nasty double-entendre, so I’m just not even going to go there. (…Dang.)
Aww, now this is sweet. It’s a single gold earring (jewellery, very popular!). The design is timelessly romantic – a wee golden dagger delicately driven through a tiny skull that has teensy diamond eyeballs. “Darling, I just wanted to get you something that symbolized how much you mean to me.”But here it is: the one truly romantic gift I found in all of the flyers. The Valentine’s Kitchen Aid Ultra Power Stand Mixer. So sleek! So powerful! So …shiny. Seriously, I will marry the first person who gives me one of these. Sweetie, are you listening?
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