Holiday Tips and Tricks Redux

Gather ‘round, my frazzled festive friends, for my sort-of-annual word-to-the-wise guide to not-so-useful holiday tips and tricks.

As is usual at this time of year, those pithy bits of advice are everywhere – little nuggets of knowledge-y goodness that are so generously offered up, unsolicited, to all hopeless holidayers, in the interest of making life that much simpler and more quaint amid the merry madness.

What I love most about these ideas, which are intended to take the stress out of holiday preparations, is how utterly obvious most of them are, or how utterly out of left field, or how un-simple they are in the execution.

Herewith, a few strange seasonal suggestions that have passed under my gaze in the past few weeks.

First, on the subject of celebratory carousing: “Search for great wines under $10,” is the advice. The great thing about this is the word “search.” With just a few easy hours of internet digging, reading magazines, asking friends, and then making numerous experimental purchases until you finally hit on the one that you deem “great,” you can look forward to one evening of eventually sitting back and enjoying your cheap but tasty bottle of stress-free Christmas cheer. That’s made life easier, huh?

“If you’re making a personalized holiday gift basket, remember to customize it for the person who’s receiving it rather than yourself.” Seriously, this was an actual piece of advice. “This means considering what the recipient might need in terms of lifestyle as well as their hobbies and tastes,” advises our sage advisor. Apparently someone has written a whole book on this radical new concept in gift-giving.

“When your guests walk in, have them write a holiday haiku on an index card.” Excellent idea, especially for most of my guests who will have no clue what a haiku is. Here’s mine: “Welcome to my house! Sit down and shut the heck up. Write a haiku now.” Or maybe: “Good to see you, friend. Do you know what haiku is? If not, you can leave.” Or: “Don’t take those shoes off. Unless you think you can write. Haiku, no pressure.”

“Use an old baby-change table to create a wrapping nook.” Just one word: “Ew.” I can hear my nephew now. “Uh…Auntie Ang? Something seems a little off with those chocolate macaroons you stuffed in my stocking.”

“Glaze your ham in Dr. Pepper.” This bit of epicurean advice will be especially helpful if you never want to host any of your guests for dinner again. “No, I think we’re busy that night,” will be the reply to all future dinner invitations. “But we’re having roast beef glazed with Red Bull!” you’ll insist. “Gosh, is that the doorbell? Gotta run,” your guests will reply.

And finally – and this would probably not have occurred to you without seeing it in print first: “Have a glass of wine or eggnog, but don’t overdo it.” Without these words to the wise, you would almost certainly have “overdone it.” Now you’re safe. Happy holidaying.